I’m a stranger to myself.
When I talk about this, I’m not talking about being not confident with how I look or how I behave around others, I’m talking about my perception containing everything about me. To others it may sound weird or confusing, but to me it’s reality.
When I look into the mirror, I’m looking at a human that looks like me. I can see the reflection of that person that looks like me, but it doesn’t feel like it is. On some days I’m not even aware of the fact that I’m not hallucinating or watching a movie because it feels so strange to me to see my reflection in the mirror. When I walk around, I know that I’m moving my feet, but to me it seems like I’m moving automatically. And even while I’m typing this, it doesn’t seem real to me; it feels like I’m watching an empty shell sitting in front of their computer. When I’m talking to others, I usually can’t remember what I was talking about just a few minutes later; sometimes I even forget what I was saying at the beginning of the sentence I just finished. It’s weird to have to ask others what I was telling them because I just can’t remember, even if it was a story about what I did last night, especially because it requires a lot of trust to believe them. I trust my friends and I don’t think they’d lie at me – especially not about what I was telling them before – but it’s not always as easy as that.
I’m not only a stranger to myself, but I’m also a stranger to the world.
When I say this, I don’t mean that nobody really knows me or that I hide a part of myself, I’m talking about my perception of the whole world. May sound weird as well, but it’s also my reality.
While sitting in a train, looking out of the window and seeing the nature, I know there are trees and clouds in the sky, but all of that doesn’t seem like it’s real. One could say that the reason for that is, that I’m not outside, for example standing in front of the trees, but my perception doesn’t change significantly in those situations. When I walk around and recognize other people looking at me, in my head they’re not looking at me; it feels like they’re watching my empty shell that seems to be a human, but it’s not.
It’s not always that bad, but on my worst days I’m living with constant paranoia.
On those days, everything seems like a threat to me; I feel like every single person in my life – even my closest friends – want to hurt me and it’s making me feel much more insecure than I am anyway. I’m not able to leave the house, because everything seems dangerous and every person is looking at me, laughing about me or trying to scan me, planning on hurting me. So I stay in my apartment, but staying at home for days feels horrible as well, because I feel like suffocating.
I’m not sure what’s worse – being a stranger to the world or to myself – but the combination of both is the worst I’ve ever experienced. Especially because I’m not talking about a few moments, it’s a summary of my everyday life, and that’s exhausting. The reality just seems so far away sometimes, like it’s never been there and won’t be ever. And even though I know that’s not how it actually is, there’s nothing I can do to change how I feel about it.
Sometimes I just wish for a way out – but there’s no chance to escape myself.