Every person has a birthday.
The day our mother gave birth to us, as well a day we don’t have any own memories of.
All we know about our birth are stories we got told one day, mostly by our parents.
To me, there’s more than that;
I think everyone gets reborn every now and then.
For example, when something in our life happens that changes everything.
Not only the circumstances, but especially us as a person.
Situations in which we realize that something happened,
maybe even without knowing what exactly at first,
but after a bit of time we are sure it was because of that specific situation.
I’m thinking about different kind of situations.
On the one side there are life events like our graduation, our first job,
finding new friends or falling in love with someone – things most people know.
On the other side there are situations that are a lot more personal,
for example our dreams, what we want to do in life,
how to accomplish that and what’s happening on our way to reach our goals.
When I think about my life, there were lots of situations
that changed me and my life completely.
Of course, my last day of school was one of them, but in comparison to other situations it was nothing.
My whole life was about fighting for myself, being recognized the way I truly am
and finding a way to deal with my past.
I had (and still have) lots of phases in which the only thing I’m able to do is survive,
and for a long time it felt like nothing. You know, when you grow up in a little town
in which almost everyone is the same or most of them share similar dreams/goals in life,
it’s hard to find your own way when you know it’s not even a bit like theirs.
Since I was a kid, I knew what I want my life to be like one day.
I was 100 percent aware of the fact, that it’s never going to be easy and will take a lot of strength,
but what I didn’t know back then was how hard it’s really going to be.
Thinking about my life always makes me feel melancholic,
because I feel like I’ve wasted so much time trying to fit in,
trying to be how others want me to be
and not fighting for them to see my true self, that I missed a lot.
My youth was a time of constantly faking who I am
just to maybe feel seen by anyone – and the fact,
that they would never accept me the way I truly am
didn’t seem to be even 0,1 percent important.
But inside, I was sad the whole time.
I wanted to break free,
I wanted to show my real me,
but I never had the chance.
It made me depressed and now, years later, I’m still struggling with internalized doubts
because I always feel like I’m not good enough when I’m being who I really am.
Most of the time people tell me how much they like me and that they enjoy being my friends,
I can’t completely believe them, even though I trust them with all of me –
the self-doubts are too internalized to believe them 100 percent.
I hope there’ll be the day I’m finally over my past and self-confident enough
to not care about others, but right now it’s still haunting me.
And it’s all because of my past.
Growing up with people all around you that seem like strangers to you,
constantly feeling misunderstood and not appreciated or even respected
the way you truly are, is exhausting.
For years, I’ve been tired all the time – without really knowing why – until I realized
it’s because of where I am and that the people around me are
just not the right people to surround myself with.
But to escape a place like that it’s not easy at all.
For over 23 years I was fighting to finally be able to move out and find my place in life.
Now, about a year later, I may not be at this point, but I finally know how I want to live one day –
and I’m willing to make everything possible to be there as soon as possible.